R.B 01/06/2004 (Diary Version)

As my arsenic tear of frustration  climbs upon its platonic guitar. It feels the motions of where earlier you laid your fingers upon it and caressed until I could take no more.

Just earlier, I wanted to be in your arms and plead with your lips but now i’m glad that restraint withheld me as it should.

It’s crazy that my need to hold you is so powerful, for I fear the need is maybe what i truly desire.

Morality tells me not to play this game, my conscience aware of sleep dream state responds to minds tricks, deep needs, you the respond.  Life’s awakenings strains all restraints.

My emotional abyss falls below the realms of the most darkened waters, but with you, it goes deeper and darker. Question is, as a friend can you handle the trip?  question is, can I?

Can you not feel the tension our morality barriers between us exist, how it plays tricks with our over active minds and how our minds respond to what our bodies don’t.

For you I adore, and do not wish to change our unusual dynamics.  For I enjoy the fine lines that plays havoc with my sleep.

I enjoy the adored expressions that i see within the realms of your looking glass, I enjoy the affectionate touches strained for want of more.  I enjoy what we have between us now, and I enjoy most of all being with you, because without you I am almost consumed by the need to be with you.  Is that healthy?

I don’t care, for I know that if circumstances were different, our situation will still be the same.

Yours adoringly

K

May 28th 2004 (Diary Version)

The 28th May is a significant date for many reasons.  It is the date of:

A birthday of One of my closest and barmiest Irish friends.

The BBQ and had the best of some of my admirers who made their way across the vast city in gridlocked traffic.

The day I met my future wife.

The day he told me he loved me after seeing me cruise the night club for a potential mate.

The day I conceived.

The day my ego was fuelled

The first day I fell in love.

May 28th 2004

The memory of your kiss embedded upon my soul has brought walls crashing down so hard that I can no longer find the will to fight against the want of you.  Our friendship so called crossed many barriers where our imagination shouldn’t.  The need to hold you was greater than the need to eat, my appetite waning.  Are the windows to my soul as transparent as yours?  Is the feel of my touch needy and desperate when I hold you close.  I am losing this fight to control the emotional battle and there are no drugs, there is no substance, there is no desire for lust, there is no desire to be in love with love for the first time ever.  What i’m feeling is real and I can’t have it, for there remains a distant echo in your life that controls you, that controls us, and it will kill me emotionally to know it will control us both.

As a friend you take up a helluva lot of my thinking time, more than I should dare to admit.  In my dreams you consume my unconscious mind, thats more than you should know.

The truth is I don’t know whether to hold you or kiss you, maybe one may lead to another, in my dreams it always does, but in my dreams my conscience decision prevails over what is forbidden and what is right can sometimes be wrong.  But I know to pursue the road of confusion, its delusions are tests of weaknesses.

Thus remain to adore so near, my smitten swirling of emotions shall remain so far.  It’s crazy how much I want to hold you as I hold my dearest friends, lightly and affectionately just plant a small kiss on your lips, but I hold back for fear that one thing leads to another for fear that, that this is what I truly desire

S.J.H (Diary version) 16th June 2004

Still in Prague and S.J.H has now fallen asleep, she has a premenstrual belly and I have much discovered about my friend since being on this trip.  She is a meticulous planner but anally careful and i’m a chaotic impulsive disorganiser deciding things at the last minute.

She prefers not to be rushed and take-up to an hour getting ready, she is selective on where she eats and as i have found had a carefully decided idea on what and where is good as for as refined and cool existed hidden in the recommended vocabulary.

She is fun with no sexual inhibitions, assertive and wants to be right all the time.  She is in fact a little madam as I once was.  But I cannot help but feel our friendship chemistry has changed a little somewhat.  Not as close as we were, she seems less warm towards me or maybe she is just reflecting off me or am I being paranoid, but something has changed and I am yet to put my finger on it

Pragueski (Diary version) 13th June 2004

A city funky by day, romantic at night.  A deceptive city to look at, with a vastness so wide yet it’s a city so small that in two days we had virtually covered the whole city by foot.  Back streets in the little quarter triggered our vampirish imagination, it had a sense of chic Russian goth that tickled and tantalised the hairs on my neck.  Prague, castle extraordinaire plays tricks with one’s eye at certain angles can be deceptive and has an almost certain optical illusion that gave a one dimensional feel rather than a three dimensional building.  It’s goth turrets giving the illusions away and it’s realism against the texture of the palace that surrounds it.

We sat on the steps facing the castle with the sun glinting off the castle into our eyes transporting us back to an era in the large courtyard.  We discovered Golden lane but appropriately named it munchkinvilleski, colourful and quaint.

Malar or as we name it CandyBarSka has a feel for Czechaslovakian Pippas, within 4 minutes of walking in we had been pulled.

It’s nice to be able to have a conversation when we meet a fellow english speaker.  The Irish man and the two guys from Brighton tourists and keen.  Would I come again?  Of course there was much I hadn’t discovered, everything user friendly and certainly price friendly.  This trip is a funky visit with a friend, the next possibly a romantic one, maybe, maybe just a shopping one.  Who knows….  only the future knows….

Hitman – March 2016

It’s strange being on the ferry with you sat 11 rows ahead of me, not speaking to you knowing we had spent last Saturday together entangled and deep in the moment. But we both like our private time to ourselves and it’s comforting to know you are not too far.

It was December 6th 2015 and freakishly cold and I was ridiculously tired but at this point inebriated hoping the sugar in the alcohol will keep me up long enough for the after party. I had $1500 in my pocket, which I was supposed to not spend, but 3 drinks later that didn’t matter. I made my way back to the Garden Pub and saw my neighbour and you deep in conversation, being a woman of inclusiveness and a ‘little’ drunk I persuaded you both to come join me at the after party.

Briefly as we met, you stood out to me as a bumbling and a tad awkward northerner but it wasn’t here that we connected, neither did we connect on my neighbours rooftop lunch party, but I was aware of your movements and watched you amusingly and curiously.

We did however get a chance to chat and connect on the ferry a few times, and then you invited me to a writers circle, but I’m still not sure where it was when I decided, was it Valentines weekend when we spent a considerable time together that you crept into my soul unknowingly, in my minds mind I had already labeled you the surrogate older brother, so I’m not sure how it all happened, how you crawled under my skin and now have me consumed to no end.

X (Diary version) 14/04/2003

I have had time to think, plenty of time and only recently is it becoming very clear of who you are.  You’re a good girl and as much as we like different things we are somewhat similar but not.  It’s strange of the juxtaposition of you and I but I can let go of the things now that used to irritate me about you and all it was, was not know ing how you felt.  Being with you made me realise what i want from a relationship and it’s definitely not someone like you.

But thank you.

It’s strange you are the only person in my life that knocked the confidence out of me, but i am back and i’m staying .  You have taught me a lot about who I am, where I can go right and that not everyone is who they seem to be.

Regardless, I still love you for the person you are and it’s good you are who you are and I can see you are slowly returning to the person you was when I first knew you.

Good Luck.  You will meet someone special

Sapphire

There she sat somewhat inebriated, sapphires burning brightly looking at me. Sporty Tomboy with curves, what more could I ask for? She also happened to be sat between the godmother of lesbians but I didn’t care. I was drawn to sapphires and her gems and I wanted to be a little twinkle in her eye for a time.

This was going to prove to be just a tad of a challenge after I mentioned I had a wife. It would be disappointing if it weren’t. But single insecure tomboy with a sexual appetite of a bonobo monkey would be an easy one to charm and seduce despite the adulterous sin. Sapphire was open to new sexual experiences and I was confident that we were on the same page.

We had been flirting for a short time over a few unofficial unspoken agreed dates and as we both had a common interest in film and photography the dates were never short of creative conversation and ideas. However, I was new to HK and didn’t want to risk venturing too far from the wifey and not working meant not finding any valid excuses yet to stay out late. So it was all a waiting game and the waiting was creating an explosive sexual build-up. Then one week the wifey was away visiting family and naturally the Henry Wooton in me took over.

One evening after a night on the tiles in Hong Kong, I went home alone. A large part of me felt guilty and wanted to do the right thing. You know, sometimes the narcissist can occasionally feel that the arsehole in me can take a back seat every once in a while. So there I go, home all alone. But my body was speaking a different language and there was this deep inner voice that couldn’t let it rest. I looked at my mobile and bit my lip anxiously. “Sapphire” and there it goes all resistance was futile.

It so happened I had a short script for her to read and I asked her to come round to have a look. At 2am. Naturally she came. It goes without saying that after I said she could sleep in my bed with the promise of not making any moves that I am not very good at keeping these kinds of promises and so the affair started.

The affair was short once she showed that she was falling for me. I always said I loved my wife and would never leave her. This however was going to be a problem now so I went through detachment process, which always involved hurting them and Sapphire was definitely no exception. Luckily four years on we have a solid friendship but we will always hold a little torch for each other and to this day remain strong platonic friends.

 

 

The Spunky Chinese Economist (Y.W)

This young lady caught my attention one night while I was out and about on the Sapphic scene. The details of where and when have escaped me, but the few magic moments we had from the moment I had seen the twinkle in her eye, to trying to seduce her unsuccessfully, to the first night we slept together, to the resisted threesome, to then throwing myself in to the threesome and to the resentment of my breakup.

I’m a sucker for a live one, and I seem to have developed a knack for seeing past the twinkle in the eye to the vulnerableness that lies behind it. One night I met her and she had an air of cocky self-confidence that usually comes with the successful financial types in Hong Kong. Her face was untouched by corruption, clean and curious. Her clothes had a lesbian nerdy quality to them but the material had that pricey feel and look as if bought from Brooks Brothers and probably was.

She was flirty, and very direct, all eyes and body language but when she asked if I had a partner and I replied that I did she briefly looked disappointed but moved on very quickly. Well, she did I however had other plans.

She found me on Facebook on May 2014 and we became friends. She had a crush and a crazy love thing for another young girl who quite frankly was a waste of space but strangely had a crush on me. I suddenly found myself in an awkward and complicated three-way platonic friendship. Isn’t this what French films are made of?

I liked the spunky economist (YW) the spunky economist had a crush on the dizzy fashion doll (DFD) and the DFD had a major crush on me. I felt like I was projected onto a big screen or drawn into a manga book and about to embark on some French three-way complicated friendship where we would all inevitably sleep together after the manipulations and seductions, and well it was just destined for disaster for someone. I had to make sure I got this three-way under control.

Geographically, it also worked out that Y.W the Spunky economist lived only a ten minute walk from my house and that slipping away from home for a late night “walk” to give my wife space to do her evening work from home also provided a convenient attraction.

But that’s to come later, for now my memory remembers the night I took Y.W to an iconic bar in Wan Chai called The Pawn. To me, it was a date that I would put on my most sexiest dress from Guess and a pair of black studded strapped high heels and get her to notice me and it was probably the most frustrating as already in her head I am taken, and rightly I am betrothed to another but that just made the attraction or challenge more appealing. Especially, as I can’t be seen to be making any direct hits or noticeable flirty comments. The bar was high and the risk of losing respect higher. Y.W was and still is smart and had morals of the highest order. Naturally, the ego in me wanted her even more.

So, we talked all night, about topics with depth and topics that would invoke deep thought and provoke a number of emotions. A slight shift in the way I sat would subtly reveal a hint of a breast, a toned calf. A slight touch to the hand to signal assurance tender friendship and not once did she give any hint. Need more wine. “Bottle of your finest wine please.”

She was pining after the DFD, so I would find holes in her reasoning behind the pining, “is it because she refuses you that you want her more?” Ok! Now, I am getting somewhere.   More wine.

Two bottles of expensive wine later and we were both to say a little inebriated and a taxi ride home. More talking, more subtle shift movements, and surprisingly I hold my wine quite well I was not as intoxicated as the lovely Y.W so maintaining my cool was always of utmost importance. Y.W however was feeling the effects and something must have changed because I noticed the moment of deep pensiveness that one gets when battling with a drunken inner turmoil but I still didn’t feel like I had made enough impact. I had one more chance tonight to leave a lasting indirect impression.

We both got out of the taxi close to where she lived and as we both gave the obligatory ‘had a good night let’s do it again’, my demeanor changed as I held her close, smelled her muskiness fused with wine and looked in her eyes deep, my heart thudded, my breath heavy and my eyes just lingered long enough wanting to kiss her but walked away slowly letting go of her hands. I was actually falling for her. Or was I just repeating what she is going through with the DFD. I went home to my wife that night confused wondering if I should be travelling down this route at all.

From this night, Y.W and I had started to take texting to a new level of friendship, we briefly mentioned and noted that something was between us but while I was married at the time we kept the friendship platonic for the rest of summer that was until another drunken night in September. Our friendship was comfortably close and the DFD was about to embark on a whole new life in a whole new country so we decided to get stoned and have sushi, sashimi and oysters at Y.W’s to bid our farewells and that we did plus wine.

The DFD had other ideas and was up to no good and vying for a three-way that was to eventually end up in her having sex with me, which held no attraction to me, which of course led me to exiting quite early. So no three-way, but as always when I get stoned a beast is unleashed and now I had to deal with all that sexual energy which I wasn’t going to waste on the D.F.D.

The first kiss with Y.W was surprisingly in London. I went over as I always did to visit my family and friends. At this point, I hadn’t quite given up in seducing her and all else had failed and I had one card left to try, I was also at the point of enjoying our platonic friendship so in my mind it was only just a friendship.  However,  in the back of my mind, the very deepest darkest corners of my deviant mind I still wanted to break through her resistance. I knew she was over in Paris visiting the DFD and she said she wanted to pop over to London for the night before heading to New York for the next round of her business trip so it was only natural that she would spend time with me in London and well it was time well spent.

They say, that to seduce someone, they need to see how popular and liked you are by other admirers and friends.

So, the night she met me in London I was trying to kill as many birds as possible by seeing as many as my closest friends all in one night. The fact that I had slept with all of them and could have gone home with any one of them on the night, except one, was irrelevant…. Or was it?

We all met in the Green Carnation for a truly Oscar Wilde experience of Victorian decor and some of his most fabulous quotes was printed on the wall, one of my favourites being – “When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.” And of course numerous other Picture of Dorian quotes.

And so, the night unfolded, and we all hung out and caught up and everyone became acquainted with each other. I had brought with me half an E of which I decided I was going to share with Y.W much later once most had gone home and that time came soon enough after we had found ourselves in the Shadow Lounge, the seediest and gayest boy lounge in Soho. Perfect. I hadn’t done an E in months and well Y.W had never touched or seen an E, so I thought a half was enough to share and hot damn it was the most exquisite experience of where we both abandoned any egos, and thoughts of my betrothed back home in Hong Kong and from The Shadow Lounge to her Hotel room we euphorically kissed until she wanted more. Then I stopped.

Why, I don’t know because all that deemed our adulterous sin immorally wrong was far far away and here in this nightclub in the middle of London she finally kissed me and a kiss that swept us both away and so we kissed all night and well it also worked out that she booked into a hotel at London Bridge so London bridge I went and unfortunately by the time I got there the Ecstasy was at its peak and my body was incapable of enjoying the sexual experience. With the promise of continuing whatever this was, I left the hotel with an ego the size of Africa but also feeling a warm feeling of content as the kiss surpassed any expectations I originally had.

This London rendezvous did not stop there though. It so happened there was a thick devilish fog looming over London that night as if by chance she wished it herself and her flight was conveniently cancelled and with no hotel to rest in, I naturally offered that she stay with me and it was this night I realised that under that cool exterior of high morals was a passion burning so bright I could hardly resist her but resist I did as my sister was next door sleeping in the next room and im not exactly the quietest of copulators. It did however, lead to an intense night of sensual touches and a sweaty tangle of naked bodies driving each other to the edge of breaking point but alas we never did tip over the edge. Not that night anyway, not in London.

The affair lasted possibly 6 months and it was the beginning to an end of my marriage.   It was part of a catalyst that lead to the final days of my marriage and one that I am most grateful for. The guilt crept in and I pushed my wife away, so much so I encouraged her to see another. But it didn’t end here with Y.W. After somewhat resenting her after my breakup and going through the emotional ups and downs, I finally decided I got what I deserved and tried hopelessly to let go.

This of course lead to my final complicated lusty affair with the lovely Y.W who had a beautiful and very sexual best friend who I will name Miss Mojo as she exuded sex from every pore. Her eyes playfully invited you but still had a vulnerableness that she concealed well. She was cunning, sassy and sexual and I wanted to wrap myself all over her.

So I at first kept my distance, I wasn’t her type as she was vying after my wife so I had to somehow turn that attention to me. I would hang out with them, and drink with them, and unfortunately at this point I had gotten over Y.W and moved on accepting that she was an important part in a crucial and much-needed break-up. This acceptance lead me to moving on quite quickly to my next sexual target, it just so happened to be her best-friend who was playing loyal friend and confidant.

It didn’t take long to break through the loyalty. I took them back to my friends penthouse apartment on the beach, gave them both an E and refrained from taking any myself. After she saw me undress in front of her and rejected the first three-way she playfully tried to coerce us to do, she had abandoned her duty as loyal friend and hotly pursued me via text and phone calls she did at least have the decency to let Y.W know she wanted to sleep with me and Y.W stipulated that if we do she wants to be part of it. So, here I am again, a three-way offered with Y.W and Miss Mojo. What was a woman to do during these complicated and emotional times.

Well…… I took them back to the penthouse apartment and this time joined in the fun, we both were hot for each other but we didn’t want Y.W to feel left out so we tried to keep it even but it was obvious the sexual chemistry between us was heating up and after that night we pursued each other every night without Y.W knowing but she knew, her paranoia kicked in and well it all kinda lead to all three of us at my house and again having a hot three-way but we just couldn’t hide our passion for each other anymore and excluded Y.W and oh boy did she feel the pain that night.

She broke down and I felt pity and a little guilt. Miss Mojo made a quick exit and I stayed behind to pick up the pieces. It was this night that became our last night as I had decided to try to make it work with my wife again and it was a sad ending but she had learnt a very valuable lesson that curiosity and experimenting comes with an emotional price. I however, took another path and that was absolute faithfulness and my very last best shot at making my marriage work.