R.B 01/06/2004 (Diary Version)

As my arsenic tear of frustration  climbs upon its platonic guitar. It feels the motions of where earlier you laid your fingers upon it and caressed until I could take no more.

Just earlier, I wanted to be in your arms and plead with your lips but now i’m glad that restraint withheld me as it should.

It’s crazy that my need to hold you is so powerful, for I fear the need is maybe what i truly desire.

Morality tells me not to play this game, my conscience aware of sleep dream state responds to minds tricks, deep needs, you the respond.  Life’s awakenings strains all restraints.

My emotional abyss falls below the realms of the most darkened waters, but with you, it goes deeper and darker. Question is, as a friend can you handle the trip?  question is, can I?

Can you not feel the tension our morality barriers between us exist, how it plays tricks with our over active minds and how our minds respond to what our bodies don’t.

For you I adore, and do not wish to change our unusual dynamics.  For I enjoy the fine lines that plays havoc with my sleep.

I enjoy the adored expressions that i see within the realms of your looking glass, I enjoy the affectionate touches strained for want of more.  I enjoy what we have between us now, and I enjoy most of all being with you, because without you I am almost consumed by the need to be with you.  Is that healthy?

I don’t care, for I know that if circumstances were different, our situation will still be the same.

Yours adoringly

K

May 28th 2004 (Diary Version)

The 28th May is a significant date for many reasons.  It is the date of:

A birthday of One of my closest and barmiest Irish friends.

The BBQ and had the best of some of my admirers who made their way across the vast city in gridlocked traffic.

The day I met my future wife.

The day he told me he loved me after seeing me cruise the night club for a potential mate.

The day I conceived.

The day my ego was fuelled

The first day I fell in love.

May 28th 2004

The memory of your kiss embedded upon my soul has brought walls crashing down so hard that I can no longer find the will to fight against the want of you.  Our friendship so called crossed many barriers where our imagination shouldn’t.  The need to hold you was greater than the need to eat, my appetite waning.  Are the windows to my soul as transparent as yours?  Is the feel of my touch needy and desperate when I hold you close.  I am losing this fight to control the emotional battle and there are no drugs, there is no substance, there is no desire for lust, there is no desire to be in love with love for the first time ever.  What i’m feeling is real and I can’t have it, for there remains a distant echo in your life that controls you, that controls us, and it will kill me emotionally to know it will control us both.

As a friend you take up a helluva lot of my thinking time, more than I should dare to admit.  In my dreams you consume my unconscious mind, thats more than you should know.

The truth is I don’t know whether to hold you or kiss you, maybe one may lead to another, in my dreams it always does, but in my dreams my conscience decision prevails over what is forbidden and what is right can sometimes be wrong.  But I know to pursue the road of confusion, its delusions are tests of weaknesses.

Thus remain to adore so near, my smitten swirling of emotions shall remain so far.  It’s crazy how much I want to hold you as I hold my dearest friends, lightly and affectionately just plant a small kiss on your lips, but I hold back for fear that one thing leads to another for fear that, that this is what I truly desire