R.B 01/06/2004 (Diary Version)

As my arsenic tear of frustration  climbs upon its platonic guitar. It feels the motions of where earlier you laid your fingers upon it and caressed until I could take no more.

Just earlier, I wanted to be in your arms and plead with your lips but now i’m glad that restraint withheld me as it should.

It’s crazy that my need to hold you is so powerful, for I fear the need is maybe what i truly desire.

Morality tells me not to play this game, my conscience aware of sleep dream state responds to minds tricks, deep needs, you the respond.  Life’s awakenings strains all restraints.

My emotional abyss falls below the realms of the most darkened waters, but with you, it goes deeper and darker. Question is, as a friend can you handle the trip?  question is, can I?

Can you not feel the tension our morality barriers between us exist, how it plays tricks with our over active minds and how our minds respond to what our bodies don’t.

For you I adore, and do not wish to change our unusual dynamics.  For I enjoy the fine lines that plays havoc with my sleep.

I enjoy the adored expressions that i see within the realms of your looking glass, I enjoy the affectionate touches strained for want of more.  I enjoy what we have between us now, and I enjoy most of all being with you, because without you I am almost consumed by the need to be with you.  Is that healthy?

I don’t care, for I know that if circumstances were different, our situation will still be the same.

Yours adoringly

K

May 28th 2004 (Diary Version)

The 28th May is a significant date for many reasons.  It is the date of:

A birthday of One of my closest and barmiest Irish friends.

The BBQ and had the best of some of my admirers who made their way across the vast city in gridlocked traffic.

The day I met my future wife.

The day he told me he loved me after seeing me cruise the night club for a potential mate.

The day I conceived.

The day my ego was fuelled

The first day I fell in love.

May 28th 2004

The memory of your kiss embedded upon my soul has brought walls crashing down so hard that I can no longer find the will to fight against the want of you.  Our friendship so called crossed many barriers where our imagination shouldn’t.  The need to hold you was greater than the need to eat, my appetite waning.  Are the windows to my soul as transparent as yours?  Is the feel of my touch needy and desperate when I hold you close.  I am losing this fight to control the emotional battle and there are no drugs, there is no substance, there is no desire for lust, there is no desire to be in love with love for the first time ever.  What i’m feeling is real and I can’t have it, for there remains a distant echo in your life that controls you, that controls us, and it will kill me emotionally to know it will control us both.

As a friend you take up a helluva lot of my thinking time, more than I should dare to admit.  In my dreams you consume my unconscious mind, thats more than you should know.

The truth is I don’t know whether to hold you or kiss you, maybe one may lead to another, in my dreams it always does, but in my dreams my conscience decision prevails over what is forbidden and what is right can sometimes be wrong.  But I know to pursue the road of confusion, its delusions are tests of weaknesses.

Thus remain to adore so near, my smitten swirling of emotions shall remain so far.  It’s crazy how much I want to hold you as I hold my dearest friends, lightly and affectionately just plant a small kiss on your lips, but I hold back for fear that one thing leads to another for fear that, that this is what I truly desire

S.J.H (Diary version) 16th June 2004

Still in Prague and S.J.H has now fallen asleep, she has a premenstrual belly and I have much discovered about my friend since being on this trip.  She is a meticulous planner but anally careful and i’m a chaotic impulsive disorganiser deciding things at the last minute.

She prefers not to be rushed and take-up to an hour getting ready, she is selective on where she eats and as i have found had a carefully decided idea on what and where is good as for as refined and cool existed hidden in the recommended vocabulary.

She is fun with no sexual inhibitions, assertive and wants to be right all the time.  She is in fact a little madam as I once was.  But I cannot help but feel our friendship chemistry has changed a little somewhat.  Not as close as we were, she seems less warm towards me or maybe she is just reflecting off me or am I being paranoid, but something has changed and I am yet to put my finger on it

Pragueski (Diary version) 13th June 2004

A city funky by day, romantic at night.  A deceptive city to look at, with a vastness so wide yet it’s a city so small that in two days we had virtually covered the whole city by foot.  Back streets in the little quarter triggered our vampirish imagination, it had a sense of chic Russian goth that tickled and tantalised the hairs on my neck.  Prague, castle extraordinaire plays tricks with one’s eye at certain angles can be deceptive and has an almost certain optical illusion that gave a one dimensional feel rather than a three dimensional building.  It’s goth turrets giving the illusions away and it’s realism against the texture of the palace that surrounds it.

We sat on the steps facing the castle with the sun glinting off the castle into our eyes transporting us back to an era in the large courtyard.  We discovered Golden lane but appropriately named it munchkinvilleski, colourful and quaint.

Malar or as we name it CandyBarSka has a feel for Czechaslovakian Pippas, within 4 minutes of walking in we had been pulled.

It’s nice to be able to have a conversation when we meet a fellow english speaker.  The Irish man and the two guys from Brighton tourists and keen.  Would I come again?  Of course there was much I hadn’t discovered, everything user friendly and certainly price friendly.  This trip is a funky visit with a friend, the next possibly a romantic one, maybe, maybe just a shopping one.  Who knows….  only the future knows….

Hitman – March 2016

It’s strange being on the ferry with you sat 11 rows ahead of me, not speaking to you knowing we had spent last Saturday together entangled and deep in the moment. But we both like our private time to ourselves and it’s comforting to know you are not too far.

It was December 6^th 2015 and freakishly cold and I was ridiculously tired but at this point inebriated hoping the sugar in the alcohol will keep me up long enough for the after party. I had $1500 in my pocket, which I was supposed to not spend, but 3 drinks later that didn’t matter. I made my way back to the Garden Pub and saw my neighbour and you deep in conversation, being a woman of inclusiveness and a ‘little’ drunk I persuaded you both to come join me at the after party.

Briefly as we met, you stood out to me as a bumbling and a tad awkward northerner but it wasn’t here that we connected, neither did we connect on my neighbours rooftop lunch party, but I was aware of your movements and watched you amusingly and curiously.

We did however get a chance to chat and connect on the ferry a few times, and then you invited me to a writers circle, but I’m still not sure where it was when I decided, was it Valentines weekend when we spent a considerable time together that you crept into my soul unknowingly, in my minds mind I had already labeled you the surrogate older brother, so I’m not sure how it all happened, how you crawled under my skin and now have me consumed to no end.

X (Diary version) 14/04/2003

I have had time to think, plenty of time and only recently is it becoming very clear of who you are.  You’re a good girl and as much as we like different things we are somewhat similar but not.  It’s strange of the juxtaposition of you and I but I can let go of the things now that used to irritate me about you and all it was, was not know ing how you felt.  Being with you made me realise what i want from a relationship and it’s definitely not someone like you.

But thank you.

It’s strange you are the only person in my life that knocked the confidence out of me, but i am back and i’m staying .  You have taught me a lot about who I am, where I can go right and that not everyone is who they seem to be.

Regardless, I still love you for the person you are and it’s good you are who you are and I can see you are slowly returning to the person you was when I first knew you.

Good Luck.  You will meet someone special

Him (Diary Version) 14/04/2004

He is sweet, appreciative and attentive and I can see he is falling for me but he holds back

just like men would.  I can never love him but I will always care for him.  Don’t fall in love

with me because I can’t love you back but I will always be there for you.

For you are special

Friendship? (Diary version) 14/04/2003

The more I know her, and the more time we spend together, the more i grow to love her.

To love her beyond what we have though is confusing, I can’t lose this friendship, I must

deal with the continuing detachment. But what will it take before I break……

I can’t break, I mustn’t let her ever know.

Sapphire

There she sat somewhat inebriated, sapphires burning brightly looking at me. Sporty Tomboy with curves, what more could I ask for? She also happened to be sat between the godmother of lesbians but I didn’t care. I was drawn to sapphires and her gems and I wanted to be a little twinkle in her eye for a time.

This was going to prove to be just a tad of a challenge after I mentioned I had a wife. It would be disappointing if it weren’t. But single insecure tomboy with a sexual appetite of a bonobo monkey would be an easy one to charm and seduce despite the adulterous sin. Sapphire was open to new sexual experiences and I was confident that we were on the same page.

We had been flirting for a short time over a few unofficial unspoken agreed dates and as we both had a common interest in film and photography the dates were never short of creative conversation and ideas. However, I was new to HK and didn’t want to risk venturing too far from the wifey and not working meant not finding any valid excuses yet to stay out late. So it was all a waiting game and the waiting was creating an explosive sexual build-up. Then one week the wifey was away visiting family and naturally the Henry Wooton in me took over.

One evening after a night on the tiles in Hong Kong, I went home alone. A large part of me felt guilty and wanted to do the right thing. You know, sometimes the narcissist can occasionally feel that the arsehole in me can take a back seat every once in a while. So there I go, home all alone. But my body was speaking a different language and there was this deep inner voice that couldn’t let it rest. I looked at my mobile and bit my lip anxiously. “Sapphire” and there it goes all resistance was futile.

It so happened I had a short script for her to read and I asked her to come round to have a look. At 2am. Naturally she came. It goes without saying that after I said she could sleep in my bed with the promise of not making any moves that I am not very good at keeping these kinds of promises and so the affair started.

The affair was short once she showed that she was falling for me. I always said I loved my wife and would never leave her. This however was going to be a problem now so I went through detachment process, which always involved hurting them and Sapphire was definitely no exception. Luckily four years on we have a solid friendship but we will always hold a little torch for each other and to this day remain strong platonic friends.

 

 

Sapphire (Diary Version) 4th January 2013

…..I feel like I’ve only started reading the prologue to you….. your book titled xxxxxx xxxxxx

 

Sapphie to I -“An unfinished book is like an unfinished love affair – however I don’t think I want to read the ending of the book, which I usually do…. Thank god I am a slow reader and I enjoy every page…. Slowly digesting you at a pace I like. Thank you for your honesty and although you don’t remember what you said last night, I’ll take it anyway because I feel you everywhere even when you are not lying next to me right now. Don’t work too hard.

 

I to sapphire – “I am like a Kaleidoscope. Every turn you take you will find something new. It will be years before you know it all”